balannnce.

whippity whoop again, people!

as i’m writing, i just spent the laziest, dreamiest sunday ever, ending up in proper cat snuggles with my lady…….. but, if i know my humble self, i bet you’re reading this several days later, mid-week, and hating me for reminding you that things such as the ~SUNDAY SUNDAZEH~ exist in the world.
hang on, my friend, JUST HANG ON.

anyways, it has been some time, huh? 
i was waiting to get properly inspired before writing – or better, posting – anything, but then resolution came to me in the form of a new notebook and the aforementioned lazy dreamy sunday. and so, before dropping every idea i’ve got, i’ve decided to talk a little about… /mandatory drumroll/
why i didn’t post until now.
wwwwhhhhyyyy.

well, how.
i think it was because my head & body were a lil bit overwhelmed with life & figuratively and obsessively trying to google the following line: “so many things what feelings send help how to deal life is ssso crazy right”. yup.
recent happenings that caused this burst of neural activity over the past two months include:

a) travels!!!!!!!
i have been so f*’in lucky to spend a whole week in tucson, AZ, with my mom, eating and living university life before time, as my instagram fully documented.
it was probably one of the weirdest weeks of my life???
i saw amazing things, i met incredibly interesting + caring people, i even got to snag home a few goodies (like pumpkin pie spice oh mah god i am such a basic white girl) but sometimes other feelings popped up. i felt alone, i felt zoned out, i felt wrong.
‘this is all so great, i am not supposed to feel like this, don’t you think, brain?’
it left my soul kind of tired. BUUUUT: it was an extremely “good” kind of tired.
the “going to the gym, pushing past your limits and being sore but pleased” kind of tired.
when you smile the next day because it has made you stronger or some shot like that.

plus, i had the pleasure of seeing pixar’s “inside out” some days ago and YESSSS. EXACTLY THAT. THANK YOU V MUCH bcause most of the time i am absolutely clueless and need help expressing ideas such as:
the most important + forming memories of life are a result of mixed feelings!!!!!!!!
i still struggle with that, honest. accepting that i can’t be happy 100% of my time and taking the opposite as a defeat / sign that i’m not working hard enough to make my life exactly as i want it.
but guess what, rage & fear & angsty feelings in general are important. they shouldn’t be ignored!!!!!!
it took me loooong enough to fully, truly get it, but in the end it’s all mixing into greater, albeit slightly slurred, happiness. ENDLESS FREE SMILES ERRRRBODY :)))))))))

p.s. my friends said i am ‘inside out”s joy. and i was secretly soooo smitten like yes guys that’s how i trained you all.

b) school.
gawd. it’s my last year of high school. which means exams, which means college decisions, which means getting ready to leave the nest (which i’m honestly far too excited to do, especially after getting a taste of the ‘grown-up-college-life’ at the university of arizona in tucson……..).
but also living this last year @ home to the fullest, because there are people i won’t be able to see everyday anymore, doing my best, helping as much as i can, maybe also relaxing a bit (ooooh she said it) before i get thrown out into the real world: all of that whilst never losing sight of what’s to come??? ugh.
sounds hard enough.

…….BUTTTTTT!!!!!!! so far, it’s turning out surprisingly easy. school is hard work, but that’s no news. news is i’m actually trying to keep up with it?!?!?!!!! yay for self and yay for bae, yay for everyone who’s going through it. we got this. no need to worry before time. we got thiiiiissssss.
(note: re-read this when it’s finals’ time.)

c) my body.
yay for tuning in with mi bodeh and listening to it!!!!!
lately, i found out i don’t really handle eggs + dairy that well. thank you, allergy test.
so what does a person, especially a baker /horrified gasp/, do?
if your answer was: ‘cuts them out and spends the following weeks marveling at own body, almost as if it was a brand new, actually functioning one’, CONGRATS yougotitiright!
i thought it would be hard to adjust, but… my body feels bad with certain things and what i like the most is feeling as good as never before.  not a sacrifice at all.  i glooooow. /mush mush/
and i feel like this piece of read i stumbled across today expresses my feels better than me.

plus, my cooking repertoire needs to be updated too!
on this matter, shout out to laura @ thefirstmess for being SO AWESOME AT LIFE. there are no other ways of saying that.
(and for letting me test some of the recipes for her upcoming cookbook!!!!!! which have been part of the recent frenzy and emotional building up. they are MIND BLOWING YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THEM SO MUCH OMG WAIT FOR 2017 BECAUSE YES.)

d) everything.
finding overall balance between everything new + old! myself, things i want to do, my goals, new friends, cementing old friendships, schoolwork, reads, absorbing in the new experiences, letting go and drawing in. errrrthing that’s been going on lately.
i had things to even out and adjust myself to – new routines that are finally starting to make sense, that i’m getting used to.
i’m slowly coming back to my real self of ‘i want three hundred hours in a day to do all the things i want to do’, but i am also like ‘ok, you can do everything but not really every thing. not in the sense that you throw yourself into something only to regret all that you’ve left in the meanwhile, RIGHT?!???’ and then i nod to myself and thank you – yes, you, you know who you are – who have stuck with me through this all, only rolling your eyes up to the sky when i went a little bit too much.
ssssoooo yay for updated, more functioning me!!!!!!!

i couldn’t even think about a blog post these past timez, but now i’m itching to do.
what’s for the future, then? hopefully, a graphic update (it’s about damn time, yo) and lots of ramblings about all sorts of things, as usual.
oh, and cookies! lotsa cookies.

(here dipped in melted chocolate and sprinkled with crushed souls of mah enemies graham cracker crumbs + sea salt, i present you…
what used to be ‘balance’ in cookie form, to me!!!!!!
the simplest yet complex enough to make me select the recipe as my ‘basic cookie staple’.
now the search has reopened buuuut… who knows, they might become someone else’s thing!

especially with yin-yang-ish pics from last spring.)

okay, blabbering out. i’m leaving you with an hideous-but-fun dipping gif……….

chocodipping;

and the whooooole lot of hugs and kisses and ~good vibes~,
’till next time!

-c.

 

 

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